


Trolls and Tribulations

by InfinityWhale



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfinityWhale/pseuds/InfinityWhale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Boredom on the meteor? Rose has an answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trolls and Tribulations

“What the hell is this shit?” Karkat said, glaring at the set-up of the table laid out in front of them. “Some kind of bullshit human troll Ouija nonsense?” Nonetheless, he carefully scooted out the chair and took his place. Kanaya seemed mildly hesitant, too, but upon seeing Rose’s knowing glance, took a seat and began to examine the papers in front of her. Gamzee, somehow rounded out of the vents for the first time in a long while, was mostly just sitting there, looking somewhat dazed by the whole matter. Terezi kept sniffing the papers confusedly, upset by her inability to lick them. Rose, sitting at the front of the table, kept going through a thick binder and looking for certain items.

Dave sighed. “Rose, are we really going to do this? This is legitimately the least cool I can possibly think of. Playing DnD with a bunch of aliens on a meteor. Wait, never mind. This shit is tight as hell.”

“Would somebody like to take a helpful reprieve from the circlejerk of shitfuckery to explain to the clearly superior race what kind of douchebaggery you’ve roped us all into?” Karkat was examining the papers but couldn’t make heads or tails of them.

“From what I can gather, your species did something similar called FLARPing. This is kind of like our version of that pastime, but with a significantly decrease chance of injury and a greater emphasis on adventures unrelated to the current situation,” Rose pulled out several books. “The game is called Dungeons and Dragons, and it was rather poorly regarded by our society, being relegated to the outcasts and losers. However, I have always found it a most enjoyable hobby, and I figured the majority of you would find it a beneficial escape from our rather dreary situation.” She handed out several packets of paper. “These explain the basis of the game in troll text, and should give you all an idea of what we are doing.”

Everyone glanced over the papers. Rose had dialed down her usual writing style and focused on explaining the game as concisely and as helpfully as possible. Even Gamzee, who was in his usual state of being half-lucid, seemed to understand the basics.

Karkat suddenly stood up. “I am NOT doing this bullshit. This is more stupid than a fucking swimbeast on a two-wheeled vehicular device and a subpar adaption of a game made for little girls.”

“Hey man, your call,” Dave said. “You don’t have to be here when we go on a magical adventure to goddamn fairyland. You might miss your chance to beat the shit out of me, but that’s your call.” Karkat paused for a second, and then sat back down, grumbling something about it needing to be worth it.

“Alright, so we begin by making our characters…” Rose said, pulling out a book and flipping the pages.  
\----  
Two hours later they were in the throes of the game.

“What the FUCK do you mean I missed?” Karkat demanded. “He’s a fucking goblin standing five feet away from me and I’m using an arcane blast of sheer energy powerful enough to put a fucking army in its grave and I missed?”

“That’s what you get for using a significantly powerful magical artifact when you are a level one wizard,” Rose pointed out insightfully. “Now hush. Terezi, it’s your turn.”

“Can I punish Karkat for failing?” Her wicked grin was palpable as she reached for the dice.

“Your party is about to be obliterated by three goblins,” Rose pointed out. “I would not suggest it.” Terezi’s face fell, but she nodded and positioned her character next the one that Karkat had been fighting and rolled to attack.

“Hah! I hit it!” Terezi bragged, then rolled again. “6 damage! Take this, miss sorceress prissy pants!”

“I am not a sorceress, I’m a wizard,” Karkat corrected. “And I only chose to be a girl because you decided to be fucking 8 foot tall green man and I figured it would balance the party out.”

“Hey dudes,” Gamzee chipped in. “No need to be fighting a motherfucker all up in here. Rose, can I play me some soothing tunes on my lute thingy to be calming these two fuckers down?”

“I’ll allow it,” Rose said. “Roll for diplomacy.” The dice turned up a 20 and Gamzee smiled wide.

“That’s so stupid,” Terezi said. “You can’t just make us be calm by playing some stupid human string thingy. Rose, I demand that I be allowed to act as dickish as I want.”

“Hey sis,” Gamzee said. “I’m just playing by the motherfucking rules.” Rose shot them both a glare and they stopped.

“Now with the goblins defeated, you notice in the room a treasure chest,” Rose said. “It is very ornate, with gold and purple. The crest on the-“ 

“I’ll open it,” Dave cut her off. She could go on for minutes describing objects if you didn’t stop her.

“You asshole, it’s obviously trapped!” Karkat said. “You have 3 hitpoints, if something hits you how the fuck are we supposed to contintue.”

“Woah man, that’s pretty goddamn tender coming from you,” Dave said. “Are getting all bromantic up in here? Bro, I promise you, I’ll come back. No matter what, not even the sting of death or someshit like that will prevent me from returning home.”

“Just open the fucking chest. I’m not wasting my potions on you if you die. I spent like all my gold on them.”

“Hey man, what if I just learn to make some potions?” Gamzee offered. “Then we’ll be able to be like, super strong, or like, get mind control. Shit like that.”

“Nobody in their right mind is ever going to fucking to waste that long making potions,” Karkat said. “Let’s just get back to the watching Strider get his head blown off.”

\----

It was 5 hours later. Cans of TAB littered the tabled, and a couple of bottles of Faygo were emptied next to Gamzee. Food packages of all sorts were surrounding the table.

Kanaya was examining the board. “I’m simply suggesting that perhaps Karkat’s maneuver of attacking the dragon was ill-advised when I have used up the last of my healing spells, he has used his fireball for the day, and Gamzee appears to have eaten his character sheet, so we are not quite sure what he is capable of doing at this point.”

“Sorry, bros. I just got hungry.”

“I’ve still got two uses of magic missile. And we’ve almost killed the thing. If we can just survive this round, I’m pretty sure we can take him,” Karkat’s hand was on his chin. “He’s got that fucking acid breath thingy coming up, but that’s about the worst of it.” Terezi was silent, mostly trying not to betray the fact that she really didn’t want to kill the dragon.

“Alright, we’ll it’s my turn right now. I’ll guess I’ll us my bow,” Dave grabbed a dice and rolled it, ending with it turning up a 2. “Welp. I’m out, bitches.”

“Now the dragon goes,” Rose says. She rolled the dice a couple of times. “Both of the claw strikes miss… his tail isn’t in range of anyone.” She glanced over her rule book. “Alright, Karkat. Roll a reflex save.”

“What?” Karkat was incredulous. “I’ve got the fucking worst reflex score in this entire party. I’m calling fucking metagaming!”

“You can roll or assume it hits automatically,” Rose said in a no-nonsense matter. “So roll, Karkat.”

“C’mon, Karkles,” Terezi said. “You only need a 6 to halve the damage, and then you’ll probably survive.” Karkat glanced at the dice and rolled it. It tumbled through the air, bounced twice, shuddered, and came to stop, landing on the number… 4.

Karkat’s face turned a shade of brilliant red. He grabbed the sides of the table, sputtering and shouting. He threw his arms up in the air and flipped the table, sending the entire mess flying through the air. He stood up, kicked his chair and walked out of the room.

“Same time next week?” Rose called out.

“YES.” Karkat screamed as he disappeared up the stairs.


End file.
